pooclub

So, you think it's easy
To live the life I do,
As a writer and a poet
For the benefit of you.
Passing on my wisdom
And knowledge of the world
In a manner you can understand
With rhyming scanning words.

I bet you think that I'm right soft
Just because I write
Poems and stuff instead of trying
To get into a fight.
You probably think I'm a fag
And that I'm all limp-wristed
And Graham Norton bared his arse
And I got down and kissed it.

Well, listen, Mr. Philistine,
It's not like that at all.
We poets are a hardy bunch,
Big and strong and tall.
The pen is mightier than the sword,
Well, that's what they may say.
But if you say my poem's a puff
I'll have you any day.

I'll punch your fucking lights out
And I'll smack you to the floor.
A headbutt in your face will leave you
Crying out "No more!"
And as you puke your guts out
And you fill your pants with poo,
I'll take a hearty dump with which
I'll deficate on you.

So, don't mess with us poets
We're hard as fuck we are.
We're not just brains and beauty
And we're sure not la-di-da.
Poems don't just write themselves
And words don't grow on trees.
You've got to be a hardcase
To write verses such as these.

You've got to know all sorts of stuff
About the world and that.
And beat it into rigid rhymes
That scan and don't fall flat.
So spare a thought and show respect
For every struggling poet.
We all know it's a dirty job
But someone's got to do it.

Mike Stools (b. 1962)